Definitions
by Dakini8
Summary: What defines us and how do we define our relationships and experiences? Poe, Rey and Kylo are trying to figure out answers for themselves. Love triangle with a morally ambigous start. First chapter turned out so long and really steamy and really-really M rated. Post TLJ. If you are offended by non-consensual sex than this is NOT your fic to go.


I've never been this drunk in my whole life. I've never been drunk at all. I did not now that it's this normal and yet not normal. How it could make me giggle about silly words for no reason for minutes. That I would have to go to the bathroom literally all the time, but somehow there would always be a big line. How in the same time it would make me burn from the inside and ache for something to make me feel alive.

Rose is knocking on the door.

"Rey, are you throwing up? "

"Nooo, no I'm okay. "

"Then come out please, or I'll pee myself. "

Maybe I've been thinking too much sitting here. I quickly finish and go outside and give my place to Rose. As I wash my hand I check myself out in the mirror. I don't know what the booze makes me see but I actually find myself quite cute tonight and suddenly decide to let my hair down, something I never do. I try to knot the leather string that used to be in my hair on my wrist but somehow I can't figure out a simple knot and I'm still busy with it when Rose finishes on the toilet. She laughs at me then helps. As we leave the ladies room we see that Finn is waiting outside for us like a real gentleman would do, than kisses Rose on the lips in a fashion like no gentlemen would do. I don't like being the third wheel, so I try to look away and find myself other company.

The party is held in an old rebel base's hangar. Party… More like a funeral. Not so fancy, still Rose insisted that I wore a simple dark blue dress. It's long sleeved and ends below my knee. Several hundred people eating and drinking and I dont't know most of them. It takes a while until I find a familiar face. Poe is sitting by the bar and is emptying two glasses only while I get there to him through the crowd. As I arrive another two glasses filled stand in front of him. Seems like he is not bothering the waitress ordering one drink at the time anymore. When he sees me, he doesn't say a word just taps the seat next to him and pushes one of the glasses in front of me.

"Thanks." I say but I know I should not drink anymore.

Getting drunk has been known to me as something dangerous. My parents were addicts and I refused every opportunity to drink in my whole life except for today. Now it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Princess Leia is dead. That what all this is about, the Resistance's new proponents arranged it this way. Poe couldn't say no as this is a good political opportunity, but now I can see he hates it too as he shakes his head.

"Leia would say this party is in embarrassingly bad manners to her and generally to our causes. " he says.

I don't know what to say so i just nod and wrap my hands on my glass.

" If you won't drink it, at least don't warm it up, please." Poe says.

I empty my glass quickly. It burns as hell. This must be something really strong. I cough.

Poe laughs at me as he drinks his without a frown.

" Easy, Jedi. Are you enjoying the party? "

" I don't know. I miss Leia. I want to mourn her somewhere quiet. But I've never been to a party before. And I think I'm a little tipsy." I confess.

Poe smiles. He is quite handsome when he does that. How come I've never noticed before? Must be because I've been thinking about Be… Kylo Ren instead. Kylo Ren, not Ben. But it doesn't matter beacuse I won't be thinking about him. Not tonight.

" A tipsy Jedi. First exciting news I've heard lately " He asks for an other round then looks back at me.

" What happened to your hair? "

" I've let it down. Does it look stupid? " I ask.

He smiles again confidently then leans in closer.

" You look gorgeous, Jedi. " he whispers in my ear. Why does that make me tingle?

I'll drink another glass and clear my throat before I dare to speak to him in the similar way.

" You are not looking bad yourself, General".

He bursts out laughing.

" Oh my, you are drunk for real. I have to see you dance. " He stands up quickly and grabs my hand. I want to say no, but no, actually I want to say yes, but I've never danced before, exactly because I've never danced before and now maybe it is time. I'm really confused and somehow standing up makes me feel even more drunk.

Poe puts his hand on my hips and pulls me closer as we reach the dancefloor. Now he is really close, and his palm is warm and I can feel it trough my dress and I can smell his cologne and the booze and it is just too much.

" Hey!" That's the most sophisticated comment I'm currently able to make.

" You just seemed really unstable. I don't want you to fell, Jedi " he explains himself than holds up a bottle of soft drink which he managed to take with him here. " To Leia" he says and drinks than he wipes the mouth of the bottle with his sleeves and offers it to me.

It is a now or never.

" To Leia. "

I drink. Much better than the shots we had by the bar more like the fruit thing Rose made me drink before. He takes the drink than spins me around with his free hand. That's when I realise that dancing is easy. Dancing is fun. I can see the whole crowd. Different people from different systems all meeting and being together to celebrate. It is amazing. And Poe really knows the moves, but I don't want to let him lead that easily. I twirl away from him from time to time and I try to make him spin as much as I can. Sometimes we take a sip or two. He knows some of the songs the band is playing and sings as we move. We wawe at Finn and Rose and they come to us and for a while we dance together but then leave us again.

Everything starts to happen so quickly. Poes hand is now caressing my hips as we starts to move slowly to a softer beat. I don't know if I mind it. He's just a friend. But his touch feels nice. Not like His would probably, but no, I won't think about Him. I move closer to Poe and let my palms rest on his back. Wow, he is quite muscular. Hard muscles. I wonder if all guys feel like this hard touched here. Be.. Kylo surely does. No, I won't think about him half-naked. Not now not when Poe feels this good too.

I must have encouraged him somehow because now his face moves closer to mine and gives me a slight kiss on my cheeks. I blush but only hold on to him stronger. He is a friend and he is only friendly with me I'm sure, but it feels so exciting. He doesn't stop at one kiss but gives an other and an other. He starts to go down on my neck. Do friends do things like that? Why do I want to feel his chest now? Why do I stroke it with my other hand?

His hand caressing my hips go lower and lower and he breathes heavily on to my neck when suddenly he grabs my bottom.

I don't know why this, maybe because no one ever touched it ever but this suddenly slaps me out of this situation.

" What the hell? " I push him away but my hand meets his other hand still holding on to our drink and now it spills all over us especially me. It's cold and smells funny and makes a big stain ony my dress in no time.

" I'm sorry." he says.

" I'm sorry. " I say and run away. I want to find Rose and ask her to go back with me to our rooms but I can't find her anywhere. I feel like crying now, really crying. I wipe my face. An older man comes to me.

" What's wrong, little one?" he asks.

I'm not the kind of girl who is afraid of men but now I can't fight. I push half the line away waiting for the toilet and I burst into the ladies room. I have to calm down. Wash my face. The water is so cold. I have to wash the booze out of my dress. I'm clearly not well coordinated enough as I spill the water around everywhere. Two Twi'lek women are laughing at me. I'm so angry that I march out shutting the door. I have to get back to my room now. At the end it is just me. Rey. Alone. As always.

Poe finds me at the entrance.

" What happened to you? " he asks.

I shake my head. I can't deal with him right now.

" Nothing. I'll go back to my room. "

" You are soaking wet. Did you have an other accident with drinks? "

" No. I just tried to wash it out. "

I can see he tries to stay serious but he smiles.

" What?"

" Your hair is wet too. " he says giggling like it was the funniest thing on earth. I don't know what causes my mood to change so quickly as I was just so lost minutes ago but somehow the way he annoys me makes grab a half full glass on the table nearby and spill it right to his face.

" Now we're even. "

He doesn't get mad just laughs.

" You really are something, Jedi. Let me walk you back to our rooms. "

He grabs my hand and I don't object. Now it seems like we're just friends having fun again. I don't know why did I get scared in the first place of Poe. He is nice. And he was looking for me. And he is fun. I'm sure he didn't mean anything. He asks me if I've seen 3PO waitressing and we chat and laugh until we reach my door.

" Thanks for tonight Jedi. " he says and brushes his fingers on mine. It feels natural and now I'm the one who wont let him let go of me.

" No, I thank you. And I'm sorry I ran away. I was just… surprised. "

He shrugs his shoulders.

" Yeah. I'm sorry, but it was an inevitable move. And I wanted to touch that damn fine Jedi ass of yours for ages. "

I giggle.

" Is my ass what did you say… Fine? "

" Damn fine, Jedi. Damn fine. Hard. Round. It's the dream. "

I can't help but smile to his compliment. And pull him a little closer as I lean to my door. Not just because now he feels nice again but because I want to say something I don't want anyone else to hear. Since the corridor is empty anyways it is not my smartest move.

" Thanks. You felt nice too. Quite hard. I mean your muscles. I mean woman are more soft to touch. I mean you are muscular. Yes. That's the word I'm looking for. " When I finally finish, I feel that my cheeks are more red than a whole group of Praetorian Guards.

" No, Jedi, hard was the right word. " he whispers.

Did he mean….?

I can't think anymore because now he kisses me directly on the lips as his hands find my hips. What is happening? I've never been kissed before. It feels good. It feels not like being alone. It feels tingly and new and exciting. But he is my friend. Maybe friends do this sometimes. Maybe he is just drunk. I am too. Why does this feel good? Does this feel good to him as well? I'm not in love with him. What if I am? No, I am not. I can't think of love since… No, I won't think about Him, not again.

I let him kiss me and I cling on to his neck with one arm while I put my other on his chest, but I really don't know what else to do, this is so new to me. It turns out I don't have figure out, because now he really acts like he is charge, and his hands stroke on my back, one of them caressing up and down my spine the other reaching my bottom again.

His grip is firm. He smiles into our kiss.

" Damn fine. Just as I said. " he whispers into my ear and now he kisses and then, oh my, he nibbles my earlobe. Now he presses his whole body to mine and I barely catch a breath. He is huge and warm and i can feel his hardness pushed into my stomach. So this is what it feels like. Not that bad I guess. I don't think friends do this. But then why doesn't it feel bad?

Poe kisses me again now pushing her tongue down to my mouth. That's new again but if we keep doing this everything will be new. At least to me. Poe does have a certain fame so I'm sure nothing would be new to him. Oh my what if he expects me to….? I'm not ready. Or am I? Everyone has to lose it sometimes. But this is not how I wanted it. Not with Poe. And we are so drunk…

" You make me go crazy, Jedi. " he whispers into my ear.

I don't know what to do but before I could figure out, he goes now upwards from my hips with his hand on my side and finally stopping by my breast. Now he strokes them and I see his eyes fill with pure desire as he grabs my left one and traces it slightly. Maybe I should stop this now. Or is it too late?

" Poe I think…"

" Don't you like it? " he asks but continues and finds my hardened nipple with his thumb and starts to play with it trough the dress.

I can't help but moan slightly. I'm not sure what I want and I feel like that my body and my mind are not synchronized at all at this point.

Now he thinks I want the same as him, and he puts my hand on the screen which recognizes my fingerprint and lets us into the room. Maybe I should say something. It is not right. But he is warm. I don't want him to leave me alone. I'm always alone.

Now he leads me to my bed and makes me lie down. It is nice. The last time somebody was there for me to get me to bed was when i was basically a toddler. Maybe I should not have been worried at all and we'll just sleep.

He looks down on me.

" I should go. " he says suddenly and lets go of me.

He is right but now I can't let him go. I don't want to be alone tonight. If I'm alone I'll think about Him. And about Leia. About the war. I don't want that, just for once I really don't want that.

" Don't go" I ask and grab his hand.

He shakes his head.

" You're hard to figure out. " he answers but now he is lying on top of me and kisses me even more confidently. I like the kiss. It's just a kiss. We've kissed before at the door too and nothing wrong happened.

Now he kisses my neck and his hands go back to my breasts. Now, that's fast. And rough. Maybe he just wants to kiss me a little before sleeping but instead of calming down he is more and more excited as his moves become faster and his grip stronger. What the hell am I doing? I should tell him to stop. But it does feel nice. Or at least it did when we were just kissing. He is pulling up my skirt now his hands stroking upwards from my knee on my tigh on my inner tigh on my oh my…

I can't even think for a second. I'm not ready for this. What if hexpects me to touch him the same way? I can't. I just can't. This is too private. This isnt friendly at all. I did not even shave.

He pulls my underwear away and touches me with his bare hand there. I know I'm wet, of course I am, I've never done any of these things before and some were really good but now he sure thinks I'm ready for more. His hands do feel good at first caressing my clit but then he pushes forward and the sensation is so new I'm almost jumping out of bed.

" Poe…"

" Oh my, babe, you're so tight " he whispers into my ear. " You'll feel amazing. "

" Poe what do you…?" His lips are on mine and I cant speak. Maybe I shouldn't speak. He does not want to hurt me or anything. He is nice to me. Stroking me.

Now he moves his hand away and pulls my dress up more on my body and I'm not sure I want to get naked but I don't know what else to do and it was so warm in that dress anyway so I'm helping him out eventually. Now he goes for my bare chest and wildly sucks on my nipples. It's wow. And a little ouch as well. I still don't know what to do so I stroke his hair.

He pulls down my underwear and now I realise that somehow in the process he undressed as well. We are both naked. Okay, now this is scary. What will he think of me? I'm not a really girly girl. What will he do now? Will we? I don't want to…

" Wow, Jedi, you are sexy as hell. "

Now a compliment is not enough and I'm terrified. I don't know what am I doing. I could get him out of here in a second if I wanted to. I could say no. I could push him away. I could push him away with the Force. And I still don't do any of these just lie there like a puppet. He has no idea this is my first time. I don't want him to leave. But I don't want to do that. But who am I waiting for? Some knight in shining armor? Ben Solo? No, not him, not him anymore.

Poe lies on top of me again now I can feel his actual hardness pushing into my skin. I don't know, maybe he wants me to touch it but I just can't. I look at it anyway. It seems huge. And weird. Not quite how I imagined. Poe gives me another kiss then stands on his knees and uses his hands to separate mine. My muscles are stiff and he needs to really pull my knees away. He looks into my eyes as he waits for me to reassure him. I'm sure he would be really mad if I'd say no to him right now. And I like him. I mean he is a nice friend. It's not his fault that I'm not ready. And I teased him. I nervously lick my lips but don't say a word. He can't wait anymore as he lowers himself down on me kissing my neck and pushing himself into me.

Now it hurts. A little. Okay, a little at first but now a lot. He doesn't see my wince as he gazes at my breasts. But hey, firsts are supposed to hurt. Maybe this is not happening at all I'm just drunk and having fantasies. Maybe this is not it. Did I just lose it? Was it this easy? Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt not just down there but somehow in my chest too? If I did not want it to happen I could have said anything. He just keeps moving faster and faster and groans into my ear.

" You're so damn tight! " He moans.

I still couldn't figure out what to do so i just lay there holding onto his back. Now it is not exciting and I just feel numb.

" Aaah, damn, babe, you are so fucking tight you make me come! "

And so he does I guess, and now it's over. It didn't even last that long. He is short on breath and he moves out of me and lies next to me still holding me with one of his arms. I feel something warm dripping out of me. Is it his…? What if he just made me pregnant? No, that can't be. Totally can't be.

As his breath calms slowly he looks at me smiling.

" Are you okay? "

" Yes. " I say as I have no idea how to tell him my real feelings.

" If you're worried about protection, I have some after pills with me. It will be fine. "

" Thanks. " I insist on searching for the pills in his pockets and after I take them I somewhat calm down. I climb back next to him. He places his hand on my tigh. It now feels a little uncomfortable suddenly. I even don't know why.

"You know I would help you too out, if you wanted to" he says and at first I don't understand what is he talking about then gently places his hand on my vagina again.

" No! I mean no, thank you. It was enough for tonight. "

" Then goodnight" he places a kiss on my collarbone and turns on his stomach.

I'm afraid it'll take ages for me to fall asleep if ever but I'm wrong again and fell asleep in a minute.

**Please leave a comment especially on the issue, if according to you, could this be considered rape or what? Did you think it was realistic as a scene? **


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